Broken
by mon-petit-pois
Summary: He wished his heart would just stop. He wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. Anything was better than this pain. He had lost people before, but never someone this close to him. Not someone like Ziva.


A/N: This story was originally written as a songfic to "Broken" by Lifehouse, but i removed the lyrics because it has been brought to my attention that including lyrics in fics is not allowed on this site. Please consider listening to the song as you read:) If you would like to read the unedited version, please PM me and we can work something out!

**May, 2009**

He sat on his couch, surrounded by empty beer bottles, and clutching the half full one in his hands. The lights were out, it was nearly midnight. He really shouldn't be doing this. He has to work tomorrow, and it is never good to be hung over. Maybe he will try Ziva's Israeli hangover remedy...

A sharp pain greets him when he thinks of her. She's gone, she hates him, and he will never see her again.

Time has no meaning anymore. Not without her. It was his fault she was still in Israel, not home with him where she belongs. Why he couldn't have just _wounded_ Rivkin, he didn't know.

He was not himself anymore. He didn't talk to anyone on the plane ride home, he barely held himself together for the remainder of the work day. It was when he got home that it finally hit him.

Ziva's gone, and she's not coming back. It's his fault. All his fault.

Maybe the world was better off without him. Maybe he should just end it now.

She was the only one who got him. She knew what he was hiding under his mask of jokes and movie references. She saw right through him. Now, without her, he's not sure who he is anymore. He feels like he left his heart in Israel.

In Israel with her.

He wished his heart would just stop. He wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. Anything was better than this pain. He had lost people before, but never someone this close to him. Not someone like Ziva.

Her name would just not stop echoing inside of his head. It hurt him to think of her, it physically wounded him.

"Ziva..." he sighed, in a voice that would no doubt break the hearts of any onlookers.

Hearing her name spoken out loud was like a trigger. Memories, memories of all the good times, flashed through his head. He almost smiled.

And then the memories began to revolve around Rivkin. They were short spurts, only flashes. Gun. Glass table. Plane. Interrogation room. Eli David. Ziva, on top of him with a gun to his chest.

And finally, the last time he would ever see her. Yesterday, on an airstrip.

He never even got to say goodbye.

He would never forget her, that was for sure. He would never forget Ziva David. He would hang on to those happy memories for the rest of his life. If he did that, Ziva would always be with him

He had to hang on. He had to keep it together, for the team's sake. For Abby, for Tim, even for Gibbs. He didn't want to just ruin his life. He had a job to do.

But without Ziva, he really didn't think that, come morning, he would have any drive whatsoever to get out of bed and get to work.

In truth, he was an emotional wreck.

…

**August, 2009**

This was the final straw. Ziva being in Israel was bad enough, but... This was undoubtedly worse.

Because Ziva was dead.

At least, before, he still had that little bit of hope. That hope she was alive. And now... Now there is nothing left.

And so he finds himself in the exact same position as he did 3 months ago. Alone, in his apartment, drinking away his sorrows.

But then he realized something. He still _had hope_. He wasn't completely without like he first thought. Upon closer inspection, he found that there was this tiny flicker of hope, in the back of his mind. It was so miniscule, but it was there.

There was still a part of him that refused to believe she was dead. Still that small part of him that had that special connection with her. That connection no one could explain.

He was sure he would know if she was dead. He wouldn't have that hope if she was dead. If she was dead, he would be dead certain of it.

He trusted his gut. He trusted that small ray of hope. He was still holding onto hope. He wouldn't give up on her, he would never give up on her.

Because the moment he does, will be the moment he breaks.

And Tony DiNozzo is not broken.

A/N: Please review!


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